进来笑！美本申请史上最烂文书见过没？你中枪了吗？

申请季过半，相信大家在和文书的斗智斗勇中逐渐疲惫。

这不，贴心的我们找来几篇史上最烂文书，让大家重获自信心，反内卷从我们做起！

究竟有哪些文书套路让招生官看了窒息呢？让我们一起来避避雷吧！

1

「不走寻常路」文书

我是申请人。

你是招生官。

录我吧。

I am applicant.

You are admission officer.

Please let me in.

点评

每年都会有学生因为文书太有创意了被牛校录取了，但上面这篇文章只能说是玩尬的。

我曾听过两个美本申请的文书段子。哈佛大学曾有篇文书题叫：请在100字以内定义什么叫“勇气”？一男生直接写：Go Yale！后来他被哈佛录了。

另一个段子是斯坦福大学曾经有个文书题让申请者用几百字形容一下自己的性格。一学生人狠话不多，来了一句：Concise. 然后被录了。

大前提是你得优秀到人家不care你的文书就录你，且你的创意真的很有范儿。

2

「同义词」文书

我希望在学校获得理解力，因此阅读书卷是我的首要任务。我的化身是幸福的，因为我正在披露新的氛围和精髓模式。这种闪亮的转移通过澄清缓解了所有的弊病和困惑。而这就是我的结局：解释利用是我的热情所在。

I cherish to acquire comprehension in school, thus perusing volumes is my preoccupation. My incarnation is blithesome because I am disclosing new atmospheres and modes of quintessence. This scintillating diversion alleviates all malaises and obfuscations through elucidation. Whereas herein lies my denouement: construing utilization is my zeal.

点评

看似云了什么，实际上什么都没说明白。通篇都是用生僻词堆出来的文章，太难读了！招生官很难对这种文章产生共情，更别说被你吸引，给你发Offer了。

这让我想起来，以前有个学生文书开头一上来写“I have promiscuous interests”，他想表达的是“我有很多兴趣爱好”，但又不想让文书看起来太简单，于是就从同义词替换了个“promiscuous”。问题来了，这个词还有个意思是“淫乱的”，这文章一读就变味了，你懂吧？

大家写文书，不要机械地用同义词替换，以为这样能让文章看起来更高级。有时候，文字回归简单质朴，反而能传递更真诚的力量。保险起见，找个英语好的人帮你排一下雷吧。

3

「小哭包」文书

我的生活从来都不容易。我在很小的时候出生了，并立即陷入了困境。我本应有的4.9GPA，在我的无数次挣扎中，不出意料地变成了1.7分。

一切都始于一个生日礼物——AirPods。不幸的是，我在新的AirPods 3上市前一周收到了它们，每个人都注意到我的旧型号的AirPods，说我破产了。亲爱的读者，唯一破碎的是我的心。我甚至无法用我的型号激活Siri。然而，我振作了起来，继续向前迈进。

下一个障碍击碎了我的梦想。长期以来，我想当Instagram网红开启成功的职业生涯。当我满怀希望，心提到嗓子眼儿，发了一张自拍。令我震惊的是，它只收到了3个赞。这对我的精神造成了不可挽回的伤害，此后我一直在努力应对。显然，我得把注意力放到更大的问题上，学校作业不得不放一边了。

My life was never easy. I was born at a very young age, and was immediately plunged into hardship. I should have had a 4.9 GPA, however my numerous struggles have understandably resulted in my 1.7 GPA.

It all started with a birthday gift of AirPods. Unfortunately I received them just a week before the new AirPods 3 came out and everyone noticed my old-model AirPods and called me broke. Dear reader, the only thing broke was my heart. I couldn't even activate Siri with my model. However, I dusted myself off and trudged onwards. 

The next obstacle would be the one to shoot down my dreams. I had long hoped to launch a successful career as an Instagram influencer. With high hopes and my heart in my throat, I posted a selfie. To my horror, it received a measly 3 likes. This has wounded my spirit irreparably and I have since been struggling to cope. Obviously schoolwork has had to wait while I turn my attention to dealing with my greater problems.

点评

显然，这篇文书是为了搞笑瞎写的，从遣词造句中我们看出，作者隐藏了自己的真实水平。无独有偶，这篇文章多少反映了这一类特定的「负面题材」的文书，除了抱怨以外，没有对自己的经历作出任何反思。

那么如果你有负面的经历，该怎么写好它呢？我们过去写过一篇文章，手把手教你如何写创伤、困难和挑战类的文书，感兴趣的翻翻看吧！

4

「过分细节」文书

早上6点35分，我醒来，看着我墙壁上的淡紫色色调——不完全是蓝色，不完全是粉色，深深地吸了一口气。如果我的房间是时钟，我的衣柜上方3点钟方向有一张元素周期表的海报，9点钟方向下在我书桌右侧有一张世界地图，11点钟方向有一张我从事癌症研究的证书。当我起床时，我感受到我门上的白色油漆和我的米色地毯的柔软绒毛。今天是个寒冷的日子，大约65华氏度或18.3333摄氏度。我穿上蓬松的绿色冬季夹克和鲜红的尼克斯鞋，走到外面开裂的灰色人行道上。我一边走，一边瞥见一只棕色的小松鼠飞快地穿过长长的黑色电线。很快就到了上学的时间，在那里我将用知识填满我好奇的头脑，并运用我丰富的观察能力。

At 6:35 am, I wake up and look at the lavender shade of my walls - not quite blue, not quite pink - and breathe in deeply. If my room were a clock, I have a periodic table poster above my closet at 3 o'clock, a world map slightly to the right of my desk at 9 o'clock, and a certificate for my work in cancer research at 11 o'clock. As I get up, I am aware of the white paint on my door and the soft fluff of my beige rug. Today is a cold day, about 65 degrees Fahrenheit or 18.3333 degrees Celsius. I slip on my puffy green winter jacket and my bright red Nikes and step outside onto the cracked gray sidewalk. As I walk, I glance at a small brown squirrel darting across the long black power line. Soon it is time for school, where I will fill my inquisitive mind with knowledge and apply my bountiful observational skills.

点评

废话太多，言之无物。美本申请文书的字数都有严格限制，要求你用最简约的表达来讲故事、表观点。这边建议挑重点来写。

5

「志愿者」文书

通过在____国家的服务之旅，我了解到帮助他人是一件好事。这使我认识到，服务他人是我的爱好。这就是为什么我想成为医生/律师/计算机程序员，成为帮助他人的完美人选。当我参与到2500美元的暑期项目，来到一个较贫穷的国家时，我开始怀念我在硅谷社区的干净街道。但我和当地的孩子们合影，跟着我的旅行团到处走，现在我知道献身于服务意味着什么。有趣的是：我去____国家是为了帮助别人，但我不知道的是，他们已经帮助了我。由于我在____国家度过的五天，我变得更有爱心、更有意识、更谦虚了。这些是我将带入芝加哥大学校园的品质。

Through my service trip to [INSERT COUNTRY HERE], I learned that helping others is good. This led to the realization that service is my passion. That is why I will be perfect for helping others by being a doctor/lawyer/CS programmer. As soon as I arrived in a poorer country with my $2,500 summer program, I started to miss the clean streets of my Silicon Valley neighborhood. But I took pictures with local children and followed my tour group around, so now I know just what it means to dedicate oneself to service. Here's the funny thing: I went to [INSERT COUNTRY HERE] to help others, but what I didn't know is that they had helped me. Due to the five days that I spent in [INSERT COUNTRY HERE] I have become more caring and aware and humble. These are all qualities that I will bring to the UC hicago campus.

点评

这是一篇平平无奇的志愿者文章。这类题材我们不太推荐，因为它已被写烂了，很难写出新意来。如果你有独特的经历和角度，能写出眼前一亮的东西，如果志愿者体验给你的人生观、价值观带来了巨大影响，你还是可以写的。只不过写好的难度很大，慎选。

6

「运动受伤」文书

那是大赛的日子。我一生都在为那天在球场上的比赛做准备。当我和队员们一起跑热身圈时，汗水顺着我的脸庞低滴落。突然间，我感到腿部一阵可怕的疼痛，我意识到我的脚趾被绊倒了。“不！” 我喘着气说，“不要在大赛那天！”

教练郑重地看着我。“你的职业生涯已经结束了，"他说。"你现在不能参加比赛了。”

突然，他的电话响了。他拿起电话，皱起了眉头，神情凝重：“哦，不！我们的明星球员刚刚得了流感，不能上场了。现在我们没有足够的球员参加大比赛。我们将不得不放弃。”

一股肾上腺素在我的血管中流淌。“不，我们不会的，”我坚决地站起来，说道，“我要上场。”

教练敬畏地看着我。

那场比赛，我打出了前所未有的表现，为了球队在痛苦中奋战。尽管我的脚趾有难以想象的疼痛，但我还是找到了自己的力量，打进了制胜的一球。当我把金色的奖杯举过头顶时，我自豪地意识到，是我的努力让我走到了今天。因为，正如亚伯拉罕·林肯常说的，胜利者永远不会放弃。

It was the day of the big game. I had been preparing my whole life to play on that field that day. Sweat dripped down my face as I ran the warm up laps with my team. Suddenly I felt a horrible pain in my leg and I realized that I had stubbed my toe. "NO!" I gasped. "Not on the day of the big game!"

Coach looked solemnly at me. "Your career is over," he said. "You can't play in the big game now."

Suddenly his phone rang. He picked it up and frowned with concern. "Oh no! Our star player has just come down with the flu and won't be able to play. Now we don't have enough players for the big game. We're going to have to forfeit."

A burst of adrenaline coursed through my veins. "No, we won't," I said, standing up resolutely. "I'm going to play."

Coach looked at me in awe.

That game I played like I had never played before, fighting through my agony for the team. Despite the unimaginable pain of my toe, I found it in me to score the winning goal. As I held the golden trophy above my head, I proudly realized that my hard work had gotten me here. Because, as Abraham Lincoln always said, winners never quit.

点评

看似气势恢宏，实则味同嚼蜡，内核很空虚。除了展现遇到困难不放弃的品质外，没什么让人眼前一亮的点。况且运动受伤的题材太老套了，这边建议重新选题，回炉重造。

搞笑归搞笑，这些夸张的叙事影射了申请者经常犯的错误。

很多时候，我们费尽心思写出的文章可能只是一个人的狂欢，感动了自己却打动不了别人。最好的办法还是找个英语好的朋友或导师帮你把把关，给点专业意见～

Reference：

https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-most-creative-college-admissions-essay-youve-read

https://www.reddit.com/r/ApplyingToCollege/comments/e20pcf/the_worst_essays_you_can_write/